What did my wife name our son?

The Drunken Amnesia

I missed my son’s birth because I was passed out drunk at my buddy’s bachelor party. When I got to the hospital, Elaine looked exhausted and sad and said the baby was healthy and already named. I asked what she’d chosen, and she stared at me and said, “What we agreed on, obviously”.

I nodded like I remembered, but I couldn’t recall agreeing on anything.

We’d discussed dozens of names for 9 months, but never settled on one. The shame of not knowing my own son’s name made me feel sick, but I couldn’t ask Elaine without admitting I’d been too drunk to remember. I had to figure this out myself.

The nurses kept calling him baby or your son. When they came to check on him, I tried the Starbucks trick and loudly said: “I’m going to get coffee for everyone”. “One for me, one for Elaine, and one for baby”. I was trailing off, hoping someone would fill in the name.

The nurse just said, “That’s sweet, but he’s too young for coffee”. And laughed at her own joke. At home, I looked everywhere for clues. The nursery letters spelled D R E A M, which wasn’t a name.

I checked every gift, but they all just said generic things like, “Welcome, little one”. I even opened sealed envelopes, hoping someone had written the name inside, but found only gift receipts.

When my mother visited, I said, “You know what’s funny is how his name means”. And waited for her to explain the meaning. She just said, “Oh, honey, all names mean something”. And kissed his forehead. I tried asking what nickname we should use and she said whatever feels natural, which didn’t help at all.

I called the pediatrician pretending to be confused about appointment times. I said, “I have Tuesday down for baby”. “Sorry, I can’t read my own handwriting”. I was hoping they’d say the name. The receptionist just said, “Yes, Tuesday at 2 for your son”. And hung up.

I created a fake email account and sent Elaine a message pretending to be a photographer offering free newborn photos. I asked her to confirm the baby’s name for the session. She didn’t reply, but gave me a weird look at dinner and asked if I’d gotten any strange emails lately.

The daycare forms had J as the first initial, and my heart raced. I spent all night listing J names, but couldn’t remember choosing any of them. I tested Elaine by saying, “You know what other Jay names I liked”? She just said, “We already chose”. And walked away. I tried recording Elaine secretly, but she only called him my love and sweet boy.

When her sister called, I heard her spell something out loud, but it was just P A C I F I E R. I’d hidden behind the door for nothing when her sister asked what to buy.

I told my friend I wanted to buy one of those wooden name puzzles and asked where he’d gotten his kids. He gave me the website and said, “Just type in the name when you order”. I said, “Right, but how many letters should I order to be safe”? He looked confused and said, “However many are in your son’s name”. And changed the subject.

I pretended my phone was broken and asked Elaine’s mom to text me the baby’s information for our insurance. She sent back his birthday, weight, and length, but referred to him only as my perfect grandson. When I said she forgot to include his name, she wrote back, “You have that part silly”. With a heart emoji.

I pretended to have a dream where the baby was older and asked Elaine what he looked like. I said, “He came up to me and said, “Hi, Dad. I’m”. But I woke up before he said it. She just said dreams about the future were meaningless. and went back to sleep.

At the bank, I said I wanted to open a college fund and acted like I’d forgotten the social security card. I asked if they could look it up by name, hoping they’d read it out loud. The teller said they’d need the card and suggested I come back later.

I even tried asking the baby directly when we were alone, like maybe somehow he’d give me a sign. I went through every Jay name I could think of while watching his face for any reaction. He just stared at me with those unfocused newborn eyes. I felt insane for thinking a 3-week old would somehow tell me his own name.

3 weeks had passed, and all I knew was the name started with J. I was desperate enough to consider hiring a private investigator to somehow find out what my own son was called. I practiced saying different J names to see if any felt right, but they all sounded wrong.

I tried one last trick and told Elaine I’d run into someone from high school who had a son with the same name as ours. I said, “What are the odds, right”? She said, “Pretty good since it’s a common name”. But still didn’t say what it was.