People who have had a near death experience, what was it?

Abandonment and Recovery

My husband, my high school sweetheart and legal caregiver who I’ve been with for half my life stayed so strong for me for so long which I feel so terrible about. But after about 5 months he couldn’t hold it in anymore and just absolutely broke down for a couple of weeks. He tried so hard to not make it about him but he’s messed up from it too.

He drove so fast to meet the ambulance that night because he wanted to see me alive one last time. In the two weeks following I ate a few pieces of meat during one of the days. That’s literally it, one meal in 2 weeks.

I felt that if I left that bed I wouldn’t be safe. And since then anytime I leave I’m fully expecting to be suddenly violently assaulted or unalived. My alcoholic ex-bestie couldn’t give me a good reason as to why he didn’t bother showing up.

But after what I found out about him and how bad of a state he really was in before I cut him out of my life for good I’m not shocked at all. That’s a story for another time but in case he reads this:

F you man.

You’re literally the worst best friend someone could ask for and a crappy effing useless person. I’ll add that many months later he stayed at my house to help me as I was about to be hospitalized for my eating disorder and stole hundreds of dollars, grass and alcohol from my husband and me to fuel his addiction. That was the last straw before I cut him out for good.

My parents never called to ask me if I was okay after that. And after a couple of months my mother freaked the F out because I wouldn’t fly across the country with one day’s notice to have her dog put down regardless of what I was going through because she couldn’t stomach it. I effing lost it when she gave me that call.

I told her that she hadn’t bothered to come to my state when I was likely passing away at the hospital and that it was absolutely ridiculous that she had the audacity to be ticked off at me for not being able to accommodate a $600 plane ticket to fly out the next day to have her dog put down when I was about to host guests.

After she assured me her and my father’s reactions were my fault because I sounded so calm on the phone and played the situation down so we went no contact for months following that. Turns out she was diagnosed with a disease that affects her reasoning shortly after though so I guess I’m not even allowed to hold it against her, right?

She ended up apologizing for her behavior eventually and I let her back into my life. So after being nearly unalived I lost my best friend and parents for a while too.

My brother has always had issues with empathy. When I told my brother after getting back home that I had a feeling the reality of what happened was going to hit me like a truck the next day and that I’d be sad. He looked at me quizzically and said:

I don’t understand why you’d be sad about it.

if it were me it wouldn’t really affect me at all.

There wasn’t even anything I could really say about that. There’s no point in trying to explain what I was feeling to someone that couldn’t possibly understand.

I spent the next year with my eating disorder spiraling out of control, reliving the pain of what happened happening over and over again. Anytime something fell in the kitchen I heard or saw glass breaking or heard a loud sudden noise. Every time I get in a car, anytime I see a car, anytime I see an overpass or drive under one.

It took me months to be able to ride on the freeway again. And every time I leave my Island to go to the city on my way back I have to drive right under where I almost lost my life. There was no justice for this.

The person who almost took my life from me was never caught. Life goes on and I’ve lived every day alone in the effing hell that is my head with my husband is my only support network. Don’t even ask me about how therapy went by the way, that’s a whole long other story I’m not going to get into.

I look totally fine. I’ve got some scarring in my tissue on my shoulder that you can’t see. I’m the image of a perfectly healthy, beautiful, lucky and happy woman today.

I told my mom on the phone that I was sad because it was the anniversary of the day I almost had my life taken from me. She looked at me and said:

it’s not an anniversary because it’s not something worth remembering.