What happened when you finally stood up to your bully?

Setting Boundaries and Maintaining Distance

Anyway, my father actually called Harold the day after I made my previous post. I was kind of pleasantly surprised by this from him.

When confronted about what actually happened, Harold apparently went quiet. He took a minute or so to respond before going, “Oh, I know”.

Harold went on to explain everything that actually occurred to my dad, who just listened without a word. From what I know, Harold tried to twist the story.

He claimed he was being genuinely concerned about me being a mom so soon. He didn’t think I knew what I was doing. He did apologize to my father.

I don’t buy any of what Harold was saying, though. The next day, my dad told me about the call. He said even after finding out the actual truth that I should forgive Harold for the honest misunderstanding.

He also told me I should apologize, too, since I’d overreacted by telling Harold I hated him for such a small reason. Many of Harold’s past comments were made with my father close by.

It often happened in the middle of conversations with other people. So, he’d be too distracted to register them. He also wouldn’t notice them most of the time.

My dad doesn’t pay enough attention to anything that doesn’t either concern or anger him. He’ll most likely forget it until he gets angry at something else later anyway. He’s like a goldfish.

We also have different definitions of what’s offensive, so he’d never think they were a big deal. I told my father I wasn’t exaggerating when I said I hated Harold.

I stated that the adoption comment was far from being the only reason. I listed most of the condescending treatment and comments I could remember, including the ones from the party.

He didn’t remember any of them. I made it very clear that I’d hated Harold for years prior to the party and that I had nothing to apologize for.

I then stated that I’m no longer coming to any events Harold is invited to. My father doesn’t need to stop being friends with him or even stop inviting him to stuff.

But he can no longer expect me to show up as well. I will ask him beforehand, and if he lies, I’ll leave.

My father called me dramatic. But I pointed out that I’ve been avoiding Harold for six years now, and no one even noticed. So, it clearly wasn’t a problem.

It obviously didn’t ruin my father’s life. I’m not obliged to like his friends any more than he is to like mine. There was some back and forth, but he agreed to my terms.

We spoke yesterday about something else, and he mentioned Harold was upset. I ignored that. I’m not going no contact with my father.

Yes, I’m very well aware he’s an eyehole, and I came really close to cutting ties with him in the last few years. But I ultimately decided it wouldn’t really fix anything.

Maintaining my relationship with him has gotten a lot easier since I moved out. We only see each other a couple times a month.

He gets frustrated that I don’t call or text much but doesn’t complain about it anymore. I don’t see the point in going no contact with someone who no longer has any say in how I live my life.

I’d rather just take note of what my father did wrong when I was growing up. Then, I’ll make sure to raise my own kid differently.

He’s on thin ice, though, and has been for some time. He’s not allowed to babysit. Mostly because I don’t trust him to spend more than an hour alone with a baby without falling asleep on the couch.

I began pushing for him to start doing therapy back when I got pregnant. He finally got started back in June.

His behavior around me and my younger sister, who still lives between our very divorced parents, has improved a lot since. I’ve made it clear to him that he won’t be allowed near my son if he stops attending.

This is the first time in my life my father has improved his behavior. It’s hard to be hopeful, but I’m trying. If I ever do go no contact with my father, it won’t be because of Harold.

So that’s it. Overall, I’m glad I don’t have to deceive anyone anymore. My relationship with my father is rocky, but I won’t dwell on it.

My main responsibilities are my son, my fiancé, and my job, and that’s not changing anytime soon. Update two: openly avoiding Harold has been working pretty well.

My father has been respecting my boundaries. Whenever he invites me and my husband over for lunch or dinner, I ask who else will be there.

If Harold’s coming, he tells me. He hasn’t lied so far, and doesn’t usually insist when I tell him I’m not coming.

Since my last post, I’ve only seen Harold once at my dad’s birthday party a few months ago. Yes, I knew he’d be there.

My father promised he’d tell him not to talk to me. Also, some of my father’s friends’ kids, most of whom I used to babysit, would be there.

I hadn’t seen them in a while, and I love them more than I hate Harold. I ended up spending most of the party with my son and the kids.

Harold didn’t talk to me at all, so I guess my father was true to his word. My husband and I did catch him staring at us a couple times.

But I decided to ignore it. I caught my husband staring back once. The walking marshmallow I married actually managed to look threatening.

I love this man. You know who did talk to me? Harold’s girlfriend. Yes, he has one now. She interacted with me twice.

First, she came over to coo over my son before making a comment about how he needed a haircut. Haah, I already hate you.

Later, she approached me and said:

“You’re shy, aren’t you?”.

I said:

“No”.

She laughed and said:

“Yeah, you’re shy”.

She said all that in the same tone one would use to talk to a six-year-old. I managed to keep my expression schooled.

Otherwise, I would have told her I’m not shy. I just chose to spend the whole party with the kids because they were better company than her and her annoying boyfriend.

So yeah, based on both my interactions with her, Harold’s girlfriend is insufferable. In other words, they’re perfect for each other.

I don’t have much else to add. My father broke up with the woman he was dating last year and has a new girlfriend. She is not annoying or psychotic, and I actually really like her.

They won’t last a year. My relationship with my father is still not perfect, by the way, but it has improved. He’s actually started apologizing to me a lot more often.

I don’t know whether it’s the therapy or the fact that motherhood has apparently made me terrifying, but I’ll take it. I’ll give credit where it’s due. He’s a very good grandfather.

I’m also glad my father is respecting this Harold boundary. I very much don’t want this man in my life.