What’s the worst wedding you’ve ever been to?
A Delivery to Disaster
My boss at the bakery was too drunk on the job to deliver a wedding cake and begged me to do it even though I only work in the back. He said this couple was lawsuit happy and had already threatened to sue over the cake tasting, so everything had to be perfect.
I pulled up to the venue with the three tier monstrosity in my van and could already hear shouting from the parking lot. Through the windows, I could see the bride in her dress screaming at someone while the groom threw his hands up and stormed off.
I sat in my van for 5 minutes, hoping things would calm down. But more people started yelling and someone threw a centerpiece against the wall.
The cake needed to be set up in 20 minutes or we’d definitely get sued. I wheeled the cake in through the service entrance trying to be invisible, but the kitchen staff looked panicked and one server was actually crying.
The cake table was in the main reception hall where the groom was now yelling at his mother while his mother yelled at the bride’s mother and the bride sobbed in the corner surrounded by bridesmaids. I stood there holding this massive cake on a cart, trapped because they were blocking the only path to the table.
“Excuse me,” I whispered, but nobody heard me over the screaming.
The groom was saying something about his mother-in-law’s speech, and the bride’s mother was threatening to leave and take half the guests with her.
I tried to roll the cake around them, but the best man grabbed my shoulder and asked if I thought the groom was overreacting. I just shook my head and kept moving, but then he followed me, drunk and rambling about how the bride had been cheating with her personal trainer.
I finally got to the cake table and started the delicate process of transferring each tier while the fight escalated behind me. The bride had stopped crying and started screaming back, something about the groom’s secretary, and then I heard glass shatter.
A champagne flute had hit the wall 3 ft from where I was standing and tiny shards sprinkled onto the cake table. I picked them off with tweezers while my hands shook because if there was glass in the cake, we’d lose our business license.
The photographer rushed over, demanding I move the cake to better lighting, but I couldn’t move it now that it was assembled. She started arguing with me while the bride and groom’s fight moved closer.
The groom knocked over the gift table and presents scattered everywhere. The bride screamed that the wedding was off and started pulling at her dress like she was going to rip it off right there.
I had the cake assembled and was backing away when the maid of honor grabbed me and started sobbing into my shirt about her non-refundable dress. I tried to extract myself, but she had fistfuls of my uniform and wouldn’t let go.
Behind her, the groom had picked up a chair and was holding it over his head while his groomsman tried to calm him down. The bride was throwing her bouquet at him repeatedly, screaming with each throw.
The DJ tried playing music to calm everyone, but that made it worse because the bride screamed it was their song and collapsed to the floor. The groom dropped the chair and ran to her.
I used that moment to break free and head for the exit. But the mother of the bride intercepted me, demanding to know if the cake was gluten-free because her sister was celiac.
I stammered that I just delivered it while she got increasingly hysterical about attempted murder. The venue coordinator appeared screaming about insurance liability while behind her the wedding party had started taking sides, squaring off like some kind of civil war.
The flower girl was crying and threw her basket at the ring bearer who threw the pillow back. Rings flying somewhere under the tables.
My van was blocked in by catering trucks and a limo parked sideways across the service road. I went back inside to find someone with keys and walked straight into the officient who grabbed my arm, asking if I’d witnessed the ceremony because he needed to know if it was legally binding before they divorced.
The bride’s father was threatening to call his lawyer while the groom’s father threatened to call his better lawyer. The bride and groom suddenly stopped fighting and both turned to stare at the cake.
They walked toward it together and I felt relief thinking maybe the cake would save the wedding, but the bride was saying the roses were the wrong shade of pink. The groom was measuring the tears, saying they looked uneven.
They both turned to me at the same time, and I saw something shift in their faces, like they’d found a common enemy. “You,” the bride said, mascara streaming down her face.
“You ruined everything. The cake was late, and now look what happened.” The groom stepped closer, still holding a champagne bottle by the neck.
“She’s right. This is your fault. Everything was perfect until you showed up.”
I stepped backward, but hit the cake table and froze as they both moved toward me. The groom raised the champagne bottle higher, and the entire wedding party turned to watch what would happen next.
My hands fumbled for my phone in my pocket while trying to keep my eyes on both of them. The bride grabbed my arm and yanked me forward while the groom circled around to block my exit path.
