Choosing my own happiness is making me feel like the worst person in the world.

Deciding to Choose Happiness

I concluded that when it comes to Jason, it was the life I should have had by now with my husband here with me. The two kids we planned on having in a house with toys, laughter, cries, and spats.

The man in my house was the wrong person. It wasn’t my 6’2 green-eyed Prince Charming.

I missed my husband and I missed even more the life we were robbed of. I realized that nothing would compare to my husband, and I didn’t want anything to compare it to.

I made the decision to rob myself of happiness. When I saw that last text, I put my adult pants on and called him.

I told him everything. I told him that he was freshly divorced, too, and I wasn’t a rebound.

With my insecurities and comparisons to my husband, it wouldn’t be fair to pursue anything with him. I need time to confirm if I fell in love with him or just the life I was supposed to have.

Thankfully, he understood. He asked if we could still be friends, and I swear my heart involuntarily skipped a beat.

I jumped so fast at that option because as much as I don’t want him, I want him. I missed him.

I missed the girls. I missed having meaning.

I missed waking up feeling like SpongeBob and not Squidward. Then he said he wanted me to come over for Christmas.

I was so excited I couldn’t wait to see him again. I bought the girls some presents from me and Santa that same day.

I told him I’ll come over tonight once the girls go to sleep and stay in till after Christmas. He seemed so happy.

I swear I heard the man smile through the phone. I spent the night at Jason’s on Christmas Eve.

We talked for hours until 2:00 a.m.. It felt like home again.

We fell asleep on the couch, and the girls woke us up. We did breakfast; we did lunch; we did presents; we did dinner.

When I finally left, I thought I had some closure. I noticed Jason was on his phone more often this week.

Finally, I got it out of him: he downloaded some dating apps and had a hit. I didn’t want to hold back for a woman who didn’t feel the same, so I did the dating app thing and got a date for New Year.

He asked me to babysit the girls so he could go out on a New Year’s date. I had to say yes, or whatever we discussed Christmas Eve wouldn’t have mattered.

I asked Hope if she could watch my kids while I went out, and she agreed. I went out, had a great time, and came back at 3:00 a.m..

I came to the kitchen and had to do a double take on Christmas morning. In my sleepy state, I had expected to see my husband.

When he turned and smiled at me with a grin big enough to reach his eyes, I didn’t feel sadness or disappointment that those eyes weren’t green. He didn’t give me a cute smirk like my husband used to, but a smile with so much damn teeth.

I was fugging wrong. I wasn’t prepared to be wrong, to lose my grip on my pearls, so to speak.

When Dan had asked me to watch the girls so he could get a second date, to be honest, it hurt like hell. Even though I told him to move on, I was pissed he did because I didn’t.

I fumbled up an excuse about my sister coming over. I immediately declined, saying she was having her sister and brother-in-law over this week.

Her sister has three kids of her own. With everyone there, she wouldn’t have time to watch mine.

This morning I see Hope tagged in a sappy post by who I assume is her sister, and I check that page. Her sister’s family is spending the next 3 weeks out of the country and not with Hope.

Now I know she only has one sister, so I asked her what was up. She kind of stuttered a bit and said, “Yeah, she can watch my kids, and to go ahead and set up the second date”.

When I asked her why she lied to me, she brushed me off and told me to stop being an a-h and I got what I needed. Dan said, “No, you’re lying”.

“I don’t care if you can’t or even if you’re not up for it, that’s fine, just be honest with me”. I advised him where to stick amenities for waking me up until he blurted out, “You named me after your cat”.

Yes, I named my cat Jason. We talked until about 3:00 a.m..

He asked me if I could try sleeping in the same bed as him. He promised to wear clean underwear.

I was held by someone who didn’t understand why, but understood that I just needed to freaking cry. Then being held by someone because I needed it, and then being held by someone because I wanted it, and then being held by someone because they just wanted to.

I freaking fell in love again, except this time I know what it is. It was happening long, long ago, and I was too scared to understand it.

We agreed to take this one day at a time. We know we’re going to have setbacks, and we know we must hide it from the girls for now.

I’m also transferring departments to keep things a bit more under wraps. We are trying it; we’re making it happen.

I have random redditors to thank for saving me from a lifetime of regret. Big girl trousers are on everyone, although he still can’t believe I named him after my cat.

Thank you kindly. I can’t wait to marry that girl, but she wants to wait a bit. I’m in no hurry right now, but my kids are happy. She’s going to be a forever part of our lives.