What incident made you lose feelings for the person you thought you would marry?

Love-Bombing and the Inevitable Crash

Update Two

Last night she said she saw something on Tik Tok where couples put a phone on a table with a timer and wanted to do something similar. This was for each person to air what made them upset.

I said that was dumb; if we were going to talk about our problems, it would be better if there was no time limit. She eventually agreed and said I could go first, asking me first when was the time that I completely lost my love in her.

As I said before, it was never one action but a grating feeling that got worse and worse until it got to this point. I told her that. She then asked when was the time I felt the most angry.

I said it would take some time to think for me, and she said that was fine. After a few minutes, something came to mind.

I couldn’t formulate the right words at first, but it eventually just started to come out. I told her the worst time was when I was first starting at my hospital.

To keep it short, the tempo was brutal. It was constant work with little to no downtime, as I was constantly learning new things that school would had never taught me. I was expected to be able to handle it as a professional.

It was without a doubt the most stressed I’ve ever been, and I feel like other RNs can relate here. That year hardened the way I think now, that hard work does pay off if you have the drive and the passion.

I told her I think that was when I started losing feelings the fastest. I saw her at home doing absolutely nothing, coming home to no food made, to her not working a job, to her not learning anything completely stuck to the internet with nothing to show for it.

I said it made me even more upset when I had given suggestions for jobs with pretty easy schedules. I also suggested she find a new interest in school that would pan out better than last time. I was rejected at my every attempt.

I told her flat out that it disgusted me. She asked me why I didn’t make this a bigger issue at the time. She said that I should have communicated this to her.

But I said there’s something that shouldn’t have to be said. I shouldn’t have to remind her to wash her ass, eat, or do something other than mindlessly scrolling on her phone for hours at a day, every day.

I also told her that after coming home from the hospital during more stressful days, the last thing I wanted was to spend my time begging my girlfriend to do something productive. So I held my tongue and settled, as she was still nice and caring. I had no other reasons to end it, and so the resentment grew worse from then on.

It was around here that I became more mean, to my regret now, but I will still input it as I have everything else. I told her that when she dropped nursing I was upset. I felt that she was more than capable of doing what I had done.

But after spending more time in the relationship and spending more time getting to know her, I knew that with the type of person she was there was no way she could have ever finished. Which is why I suggested easier and more laid-back jobs, or less demanding majors for school.

Even if she just cooked or found an interesting hobby at that point, I would have appreciated it. Still, she chose to do nothing for years. It’s just the type of person she was and why I felt done for her romantically over time.

She asked me if I hated her and I said I didn’t know. I told her she was very loving and kind. But I hated how she handled her life to this point.

I felt no ill will towards her after airing everything out, but I also felt nothing else. I just felt done and ready to move on.

Throughout this conversation, we kept eye contact. There were times it seems like she would break, but like she said, she remained as calm as she could while I said what I had to say.

I told her I was done and she could say her peace now. But she asked if we could continue the conversation later and locked herself in our room for the rest of the day.

The next day we sat down again and finished the conversation. She told me that she thinks she’s depressed. She said that she didn’t feel sad before that night, just had no motivation of doing anything.

I had a couple of messages telling me to ask her to get tested for ADHD. But when I started bringing it up, she was very adamant that is not something she felt comfortable with.

I knew she didn’t like needles or going to the hospital in general. Her flat-out refusing to get tested for disorders when I told her it was not at all like a regular hospital visit surprised me.

She asked me if she was able to change in her behaviors, would I give her another chance. I said I didn’t know as I felt nothing right now. I didn’t know if her doing it would bring any feeling back, especially since it took my breaking point to do so.

She asked if there was any compromise. I told her again if in a month I felt like there was enough reason to stay together I would. There was no guarantee that my feelings would return, but I would match any effort she also put out.

She was frustrated by my answer, but I said that’s how it would be. She gave me a piece of paper to look at that she was working on last night. It had a list of hobbies and interests she wanted to look into, the two major ones being photography and cooking.

Again, she told me that she was looking into these while also showing me her phone. This gave proof that she was putting in applications on Indeed and Glassdoor for some entry-level positions that she might get hired in.

I told her if she was able to show enough passion or interest in these hobbies that she showed, I would not care about her working. I only cared about anything to improve herself. But if she didn’t do anything at all, then it would be best to look for a new job to help her if she moves out.

I’ve also been asked in private messages if I have any personal friends to talk to. There are two female co-workers I confide some information in. I completely trust them given how many hours we work together at our hospital.

In my opinion, they are extremely grounded. They both said I would eventually get love-bombed and this would all go back to how it once was. They warned that I needed to stand firm with moving on.

They were very helpful friends who have even offered to let me stay over for a few nights. They gave the reason that I would fall for her manipulation if I continued being anywhere near her, in their own words.

But it didn’t feel right since I’m still technically in a relationship. I said I would consider it if the situation worsened. I find them grounded, so I always try to take their advice to heart.

Despite numerous messages from you all privately or openly telling me that this will be a mistake, I want to make the attempt to give this one last try. I feel heavily closed and guarded and still feel indifferent with our current situation.

A lot of you have told me this can eventually change with enough work from both parties. I have also taken the advice of those saying to cut off sex, which was my intention from the start anyway.

I am continuing to sleep in the living room. But each day she has been sleeping on the floor right below me. This happens even when I tell her I’d rather be alone with my thoughts, telling me this is something she would not accept.

Update Three

My girlfriend was very proactive last week. It was a manic influx of energy as she tried to get interested in many different things that she thought she could enjoy.

I kept my promise in meeting her halfway and tried my best at helping her in whatever way I could. The only real interest that she’s been mainly sticking with is photography.

I’ve said before that she has a stockpile of clothes that she’s had over the years. She sold a few of them on Depop in order to get enough money to get a Canon 250d camera that she says is good for starting out. She’s looked a lot more into this than me.

I strongly assume she stuck with this hobby as it gave her a chance to spend more time with me. She continued asking me to go out into the city to take pictures and test out her camera.

Given that I had promised to match her energy and didn’t want to be a hypocrite, I did so. I did this even when I came home from longer shifts at the hospital.

There was a major change in her behavior, however. While she usually was a very loving and affectionate partner, it had been turned up to its max during the first week.

She asked me maybe eight times a day how I was doing, if I was upset, what I wanted to do for the rest of the day, etc., just trying to gauge my mood. When we went out, her PDA was also maxed.

She wanted to kiss, hold hands, and spend the night out as long as possible. This happened even when I said I had to go in early to work the next day. It’s hard to describe in words what she was doing.

I don’t know if it was exactly love-bombing, but with the energy she putting out I was fully expecting a crash to come. And it did.

During the second week, there was only so much I could handle before I needed a break. This was especially true with how I was still feeling after everything that had happened prior.

My friends at work are the only other people I have been engaging with, and I’ve told them everything that has been happening. They warned me again that I was getting love-bombed, like they predicted, and it would only get worse.

They asked me what I would do if I was stuck with her longer than two months. I said my lease would be ending soon, so it was helping ease my mind as I wouldn’t mind moving if this all turned out for the worse. This would still give her enough time of a heads-up.

They stated their concerns that I was coming to work more tired than usual and it was getting noticeable. But I told them that I felt fine.

During the weekend, they had insisted that I go out with them to help my mood. They stated that too much time in my apartment was not good for my health in my current situation.

I declined when first offered, but after being asked again the day of, I agreed. For most of the day, I was with them, having a really good time, in fact. It helped to regain my mood considerably.

Naturally, my girlfriend was wondering where I had been the entire day. I told her I had been with friends. Even though she was disappointed we couldn’t go out for the day, I promised her we would spend all day tomorrow together.

I get continued messages that I should immediately drop my friends and that they are manipulating me in my decisions. Think what you may, I know they are good people who look out for me.

They played a large part in me quitting smoking this year. This, although has made me more anxious at times, has helped with my health considerably. There’s a different type of bond you form with people in our work and environment. I trust my co-workers with my life, for lack of a better term.

Update Four

When I said the crash of emotions would come, I was right. It was ugly, loud, and could have been easily prevented in parts.

When I posted my last update, I was not in the right mental state. Reflecting on the week before and writing helped to calm my nerves.

I’m also a bit embarrassed to admit that I started to smoke a bit again. But it also helped tremendously in my mental, which was getting close to crash as of recent. Without the help of my friends, I didn’t have much else to turn to.

This breakdown was something I could not tell them since I didn’t want them stepping in. There had been a point where my girlfriend was in a not-so-well mood during one of our outings to the city.

After returning home, she had said I was being dismissive. She asked if I felt angry or upset with her, trying to be better with communicating.

I said that I was getting uncomfortable with her constant need of affirmation and affection, as it was continually constant. Given that she was still sleeping in the living room at night, I was getting no time alone to myself at all while at home.

After so many outings, I was starting to get physically and emotionally drained. Truthfully, I felt physically tired more than anything. Given what my co-workers and my girlfriend say, it tends to show on my face more worse than it is.

My girlfriend seemed to take this heavily and didn’t attempt to talk with me for the remainder of the day, along with the next. But she was in a much more brooding mood during the second.

Maybe it would have been better to apologize or communicate better during that point as it might have been the point that a lot of this could have been avoided if I said something. But I instead took the time to nap and spend time alone, which I had rarely the chance to for over a week.

Then came the third day. A lot happened over the course of this day and a lot was said. This was where the breaking point occurred, which caused further problems throughout the following week.

I will try to be as thorough as I can, remembering everything that happened from the start of the day to the end. When I had woken up, I had left without saying goodbye or speaking to my girlfriend as I was almost running late.

Normally I at least check on her to see what she’s doing before I leave. She had been sleeping in our room for the last few days since her mood dropped.

My mood was higher than usual during work as I was rested, had my alone time, and was just genuinely having a nice time at the hospital, which didn’t happen too often. There were a few times when my co-workers would go out to eat after work, and for the past few weeks, I had been declining.

But on this given day, I had joined them, which led to me arriving home around 9 or later. It was pretty late, and I had a few drinks. This is where I begin to have trouble writing and where I usually stop.

Driving home, I see my girlfriend sitting down in the living room, looking at me directly as I walked in, not saying a word. It startled me, and I asked what she had been doing. She wasn’t on her phone nor was she watching TV, just sitting as if she was staring at a wall before I had entered.

She asked me where I had been, and I said I was out with friends. She immediately asked, “Were they my friends from work?”.

My girlfriend is aware that I work alongside mostly women, and I have brought up my friends in the past before our relationship broke down to this point. I said yes, I was with them and we had gone out to eat.

She asked me if I had been drinking as well. I don’t know if it was noticeable or not, or just a random question, but I said that I had.

There was a period of uncomfortable silence that felt a lot longer in memory. She eventually brought up my month deadline on whether my feelings would change and she asked if they have.

It took me a minute to reply as that question had taken me off guard. I said I appreciated her efforts in what she was doing, but I was still unsure of our future together and couldn’t give her a direct answer.

She told me again that during our outings together that I was being dismissive. She felt I wasn’t putting in the same effort to make this relationship work.

I asked what she meant, as I was going out with her whenever she asked and matching her effort in finding hobbies whenever she thought of something she enjoyed. To me, it just seemed like something she was just saying out of neediness.

I think it was at this point she started to lose her composure as her voice couldn’t remain constant. She told me if I was aware that I wasn’t smiling when we were outside, that I was quiet and rarely talked when we were spending time together.

I told her she already knew how I felt, so for some of it my mixed feelings shouldn’t come as a surprise. But I also explained again my lack of talking was just from being tired from work, but I don’t think she believed me.

She told me she’s constantly overthinking how I feel now that she knows I’ve lost feelings and doesn’t know what she can do to make them come back. I told her again to just find a passion for something, anything to get out of bed and be active with anything in her life.

She says it’s been two weeks and she’s been as active as she can possibly be, to the point that it was causing her mental stress. But my mood wasn’t improving, and she’s wondering if anything will actually change now that it’s closer to a month.

And then came the full breakdown. Through tears and a broken voice, she tells me how much she loves me. She describes how much affection and love she has given me throughout this relationship, just for me to throw it away over something as stupid as my conditions.

She questions if it was just an excuse to end things, asking if I ever really loved her at all while we were together. She goes on to say that even with how upset she is at me and how hurt and betrayed she has felt by the one person she has, that she still loves me and wants to continue our relationship.

She tells me there will be nothing for her if I leave: no one, no place, no future. Her will to live will be gone, and she won’t know what to do with herself.

Now there’s a lot I could have said during this, but I don’t think I can accurately convey just how hard she was breaking down emotionally during this exchange. There were points as to where she was almost screaming, completely bawling. It all just made me freeze as this was the first time I’ve ever witnessed her fall apart at this level.

She goes on again to say there’s no reason to live if this is the end. It won’t matter what job she gets; another month will not be enough, and she knows I still won’t want to be with her and that she will have nothing. After everything was said, she locked herself again in our room and stayed there for a few more days.