What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say ‘no’ to?

The Double Life and Preparation

But at the same time, I have a husband, a husband who is the father of my daughter, and I can’t be going around betraying him like this. And so, I packed up and left on the spot.

I drove home and cried. I didn’t know what to do.

I loved Jon and hated my husband. I hated him so much, in fact, that in one single moment, I realized I was more than ready to confront him.

But then right as I finally felt strong enough to do so. John messaged me.

He asked me to meet him in our favorite park saying he had a special surprise for me. I remember feeling so guilty about it, but I couldn’t stop myself.

I made an excuse to my husband saying I was going to get physiootherapy for my back pain. He flat out ignored me.

I was at the park 20 minutes later and that’s where I saw John in a light I had never seen him in. He was standing there in a suit that looked so good on him.

He had a bouquet of my favorite flowers, a takeout coffee, and even a chocolate cake he baked from scratch just for me. He told me he was done playing games.

He wanted me. He wanted me bad.

And I knew I wanted him, too. I remember wanting to kiss him and then I saw him start to walk towards me and the closer he got to me, the more my brain went into panic mode.

And it’s only when he was face to face with me that I finally made my decision. I decided to just hug him and accept the flowers.

I chickened out. I just stood there blushing as he told me he loved me.

When he said that, it took every ounce of my strength not to just say fk everything and jump into his arms. He is so lovely.

When I got home, my husband had already picked up our daughter and they were just joking around and having fun. I felt so much sadness and pure horror building up inside me.

What am I doing? What are we doing? All of us.

The guilt washed over me seeing my daughter’s happy face playing around with her food. I couldn’t take it.

My husband and the other woman haven’t texted this month, and they haven’t met either, or at least as far as John and I know. Of course, they work together, so we don’t know if the affair has subsided or if they just have learned to be more cautious.

But my husband has been more attentive at home, warmer and more present. He says he loves me all the time and that he misses me.

I haven’t been intimate with him since I found out about the affair. And even the smallest touch from him irks me, and any beautiful word or compliment from him sets my teeth on edge.

I just want to scream liar and I feel like I’m cheating on Jon, accepting my husband’s affection and the disdain for myself becomes unbearable. I looked at my husband and tried to remember what I loved about him, but I couldn’t.

All I could see was his texts to her about how great the last time was and what he wanted to do to her next. All the things he once said he wanted to do and did to me that made me feel so special.

I tried to think harder about the love, but I only saw Jon’s face. I felt immense rage and hatred towards my husband, but also myself and Jon.

I couldn’t control my feelings of anger and resentment and guilt. So, I wrote Jon a long text telling him all this and more.

He tried to call me, but I couldn’t answer him. My heart was swollen in my throat.

I told my husband that I wanted to sleep in my daughter’s room tonight, something I’ve been doing a lot since this all started. I cried all night watching her beautiful face so peaceful and happy.

This morning, Don called me again and we talked for over an hour. He was very subdued and I heard the fear in his voice.

He told me that he respected my wishes to take a break from each other, but also to remember that even when I was at my weakest, I still knew exactly what I wanted. And that I chose to stay to secure a future for myself and my daughter.

“You’re too close now to your goal just to stumble and fall.” He said he loved me and that he never felt like this before and that he will wait.

I cried for a good hour afterward, already missing his voice. I know that my marriage is unsalvageable.

And I that I’m doing the right thing, leaving it even with the nagging feeling of guilt that’s simmering beneath the surface, boiling over every now and then, waking me up at night, but I need to do this alone now. Update two.

John’s mom is sick. She lives in another city about 7 to 8 hours drive away.

John went to visit her and he texted me before going. He apologized for texting me because we weren’t supposed to keep in touch anymore, but he wanted me to know he was out of town.

I drove over there on Thursday because it sounded like it was serious. I arrived at the hospital around noon.

He looked miserable. His mother isn’t even old.

She is 58. My heart is breaking.

I could only stay for an hour before heading back home. I feel so guilty leaving him alone.

His sisters live across the world and they won’t be able to fly home before Christmas. On Friday, Jon came home and broke off his marriage.

I don’t know all the details, but he didn’t mention to her that he knew about her infidelity, just that he wasn’t happy anymore and didn’t want to be married to her. He texted me, thanked me for visiting him and his mother, and told me about his filing for a divorce from his wife.

He is moving back to his hometown to be with his mother. He left yesterday, but will return once more to get the rest of his stuff.

Even though I understand him and even if I wasn’t seeing him anymore, the city feels empty and gloomy without him, I’m still going strong with my studies. And as I said, I secured a job in April with a decent salary that will increase by 30% once I graduate 2 months later.

I have also signed a lease on an apartment that is a few blocks away from my daughter’s school. You can’t imagine the happiness I was in when I found the apartment.

But most importantly, they accepted my bad credit, having not had income for over 2 years now. I have found a nonprofit organization for women to call and ask for information and advice.

In the beginning, my husband didn’t seem bothered about having intimacy. probably not certainly because he had someone else, someone new.

But with time, with time, he started to show me affection again, trying to get intimate with me. I avoided him like the plague.

He never pressured me, but he was getting upset and I felt him getting frustrated. His affair had died out by then, or maybe it wasn’t as fun and exciting for them.

I don’t know. I’m not an expert on affairs.

For over 2 months now, he has been trying to open the subject of our non-existent intimacy life. But I just told him that I didn’t have a drive or that I was busy.

This being the last year of my studies, I have been able to keep him at bay. And while my explanations and excuses weren’t making him happy, they were good enough to keep him away.

Until about a week ago when he wanted to discuss this seriously. I told him again that I was busy and that my SX drive was very low.

It is. He said that it wasn’t just the intimacy.

We had no intimacy. He barely is allowed to be near me.

I never talk to him anymore. Like I don’t make an effort anymore.

I asked him if we could just wait until after the holidays because I’m too busy. He then said something that triggered every nerve in my body.

Something like, “It is not healthy for marriage when one partner neglects the other because then you start looking somewhere else.” I just said that it wasn’t true because he started sleeping way before I started neglecting him.