Should I divorce my wife for what she said about me?

The Roommate Dynamic and Underlying Resentment

My wife friendzoned me and told me she felt disgusted after sleeping with me. So, I started acting extremely cold with her; she completely lost it.

My wife and I started couples therapy recently. During a session, she confessed to me that she was no longer in love with me and only saw me as a best friend.

She said she only loved me in a platonic way. This was one of the main reasons she has refused to sleep with me for the past three years.

Later that day, she also said she has built up a lot of resentment towards me. She thinks it’s because I spend more time with our kids than with her.

Due to the resentment, she has even started thinking of other men. I had absolutely no idea how to proceed until the other night.

She came home hammered and begged for intimacy. I initially said no, but she kept pushing until I gave in.

The next morning, she woke up and said she felt disgusted with herself. She once again reiterated she sees me as a best friend.

Her whole life, she’s had a rule about never sleeping with friends. That same day we had a deep heart-to-heart talk.

She said that all she wants is simply companionship, which basically means our co-parenting roommate dynamic.

I asked her what I could possibly do, or what is it about me that is so unattractive or undesirable. Her response was, “I don’t know.”

She stated that she does love me, but it’s not the same. She has been feeling disconnected for years and that our marriage just takes up too much work.

Her focus is only the children for now. My co-parenting contributions are meaningful to her in our home.

I’m puzzled. I’m frustrated, and I do not know what to do at this point.

Update one: One of the main things that has bothered me has been the term resentment. It has been really eating me up inside knowing my wife keeps telling me she doesn’t know why she’s resentful.

She doesn’t know why this is affecting her emotionally, mentally. I brought this up with our therapist once again and resurfaced the conversation about being married.

We were married for so long, 15 years, and being together since we were 14. Our long history of growing up and how having children when we were 19 significantly changed the trajectory of our lives.

We experienced severe poverty and many hardships in the process. We essentially had zero social life for the past 10 years because we were so busy raising babies, two kids now ages 12 and 14.

The therapist followed up with tons of questions, directly mostly at my wife, about her feelings towards this. Ninety percent of the responses were very “our kids focused.”

It definitely felt like she was afraid of saying, “Yes, it sucked.” She would feel guilt or shame because it would imply she regrets the kids.

I mentioned this in the session, and the therapist encouraged her to look at this outside of the lens of being a mother.

The therapist advised her to try to view it a bit more selfishly and individually, and it was very eye-opening.

My wife mentioned that she was very frustrated with the fact that we did miss out on many things in life. She also was very clear in saying, “I do not think I missed out on other partners or dating or partying, but I certainly lost all my friends.”

This was huge because one of the big pieces that has caused a strain in our lives is how siloed and isolated we’ve been. I followed up by reminding her that it’s important to have good friends and to make time for herself and her friendships.

For the past three-plus years, we’ve had multiple conversations about friends and how it is important to have them in life.

This is especially true when you have similar peers that can help in many areas of life that perhaps we have no experience navigating, and even simply for enjoyment.

It has always been something my wife avoids, even though she’s always been someone who needs that external stimuli.

The main reason for her not investing in friends or even herself has always been the kids. Like I mentioned earlier, 90% of the answers have to relate to the kids to some degree.

At this point in our session, I started to feel like there was a common denominator: the kids, in most of the frustrations and problems she was experiencing.

So, I simply asked her, “Do you think you may be upset at me because I’m responsible for these kids, in the sense that I got you pregnant so young?”

I wasn’t ready, but she said that she was upset at me for that. She also followed up with the fact that she knows that’s unreasonable because it takes two to tango.

I did feel like it was progress because it kind of gave us something to work on and help alleviate some of these burdens.

So, we agreed to invest more time in nurturing good friendships, both together and individually.

Towards the end of the session, we began to discuss what actionable items we would take from this session. At this point, it was still all very ambiguous and blurry as to what the outcomes were.

I was very direct and very forward in asking my wife what her plan is moving forward. She started basically saying the same thing: that she doesn’t have any desire to be intimate with me as of now, and that she loves me immensely and she feels bad for not being there for me.

I also brought up the brief swinging that happened, to which, for the 50th time, she said it wasn’t a problem. I agree with her on this.

This was something that was a mechanical approach for a solution to a problem that was very much inexistent.

When we tried this, we both really have no issue with this. We know it happened, we tried it, and mutually stopped and turned the page.

I also brought up other life events that may cause resentment. Really, we ended up not getting anywhere else as far as the root for resentment, which was discouraging.

I then basically expressed to my wife that I will not be okay with that arrangement.

I told her that I’ve really done everything I can. This issue really has reached a point where it has nothing to do with me or requires me to do anything that I’m currently not doing.

I was very direct and said that I will not be accepting this dynamic. I need to be with someone who is actively involved in our marriage, works towards resolutions, and is very much interested in maintaining an active intimacy and intimate relationship.

I expressed how I am not going to be a convenience. There was more to life than being roommates and co-parents.

I made sure she knows I love her dearly, and that I do want this to work for the better.

I also told her that I’m fully committed to this marriage, so long as she is as well. If she wasn’t, it’s okay; however, I will not be a part of something where these efforts are not reciprocated.

I told her I have no plans of leaving, and I do not want a divorce. However, I made it clear that if this dynamic continues, that divorce will be the only outcome.

Of course, tears were involved, and it was a very bleak and sad ending to the session. Still, nothing was said, and I walked out very discouraged.

I was very determined to start working on the 180 as soon as we left the room. It’s painful and very difficult because much of the 180 requires you to be very short and cold and transactional.