Should I divorce my wife for what she said about me?

A New Plan for Reconciliation

This past Memorial Day weekend, my wife asked me if I wanted to go out for coffee because she wanted to talk to me about something.

This was huge because I can’t recall when the last time my wife asked to talk to me about something important.

I must admit I was very nervous and worried about what this could be about. My mind was racing with the plethora of scenarios of what it could possibly be.

Of course, I agreed, and we took some time away from the kids to have this conversation at a local coffee shop.

The talk was very constructive in nature. There was a ton of insightful information about herself that helped me further understand where she is in life, both emotionally and mentally.

We summarized what the core issues we are encountering are, and she asked me for help.

This is new, and I cannot tell you how excited I was hearing something so sincere coming from my wife. She for the last three-plus years has been absent.

So, after she was through sharing all her thoughts, I proposed a plan that I felt was right for us.

This is something that I had been thinking about these last few weeks. I was planning on bringing this up in a few months if I noticed that things were not changing for the better.

This date felt like the right place to share it since it goes hand in hand with what she talked about. It also relates to the help she was asking me for.

I started by first acknowledging her feelings and her concerns. I told her they are valid, and how she feels is personal to her.

I care that she feels this way because I don’t like the thought of her being sad or depressed.

I also told her that my goal still is and will always be for us to reconcile. We should be the happily ever after we vowed to be for each other.

My love for her is as strong, if not stronger, as it was the day we said “I do.”

I continued the conversation by telling her how I felt about the whole situation. I shared how it affects me every day.

I also clarified some things that she mentioned she was feeling because I have been very distant and monotone lately.

I explained to her that I was very much trying to protect my feelings and emotions from the rejection and neglect. It wasn’t personal; it was simply me safeguarding myself.

I told her I cannot control her; I can only control myself. This was a perfect segue way to the core of this approach, which is focused on self-accountability.

I told her that for the longest time, I was always working hard to make her happy. I tried to do things that I knew she enjoyed or wanted.

However, I was always met with rejection and disappointment, which caused a load of stress on me.

I explained to her that I had to make a change for myself. After all, I can only control myself and make the changes that I want for myself.

I mentioned how I was starting to implement new habits and routines that help edify me.

I am doing this all while still executing all of our shared responsibilities, including parenting, finances, and daily living activities.

I explained that the goal is to continue to improve myself both as a husband and father, learn more, and be healthier.

She was very receptive to this. She told me that she sees what I’m doing and that she is proud of the changes she has seen.

She also told me how she’s starting to realize that she feels left behind. She recognizes that much of the things that have affected her negatively are her own fault.

Toward the end of the conversation, which was about three hours, there was a very high spirit of reconciliation in the room.

I told her that my goal is to ultimately make this work. However, I was very clear that I was not going to live under the current circumstances.

So, here is what we established: We are in charge of our own happiness.

The key here is that she’s not responsible for making me happy, and vice versa. We both need to seek what that personal plan looks like individually.

We’re both encouraged to include each other in taking those steps if we want, but it is not required.

We are in control of our own individual lives and our own journey. We’re both responsible in finding the resources necessary to grow, change, and heal.

We can definitely help one another when help is requested. However, unsolicited advice or help will not be rendered.

We are responsible for communicating. This ensures nothing is left unsaid.

If it was never brought up or discussed, it never happened. We’re not mind readers, and we need to take ownership when we fail to communicate.

Make a list of needs and wants. This gives us both clear direction about meeting each other’s needs.

This also gives us a choice as to what we want: choose to do, compromise on, or decline to do.

This list also will not serve as a checklist for accountability. We made it clear we would not be bringing this list up for the purpose of arguing.

It was up to the other person to use the list as a tool for growth, transparency, or clarification.

We concluded that it was up to us to decide if we will be happy doing these things for ourselves because we care, not to simply check a box.

This was very important in order to establish long-term habits and not short-term band-aids. You cannot make someone change or do something they don’t believe is important.

We also established a deadline: Memorial Day 2025.

At the end of the conversation, we concluded by setting Memorial Day 2025 as a hard stop to evaluate our lives and our progress.

We agreed we would do this with the clear understanding that we will independently decide if we are happy here.

If we determined we aren’t happy, we will be getting a divorce. We would also both assume full responsibility for what happened should we get divorced.

For example, if needs were not met, it would mean my partner chose not to meet them. This places full responsibility on each other in all areas.

The whole process requires that if needs were not met, the next question should be, “Did we do everything to address this issue?”

If yes, then we will have a clear conscious of what transpired and know we left no stone unturned.

If however we didn’t do everything to address the issue, it will mean the issue was not important enough for you or didn’t care to meet those needs.

This goes both ways in all areas. Like everything else, we established that the main motivator for change should be ourselves.

If we did that, we would in turn begin to see beneficial changes towards each other.

The goal is to ensure that everything we are doing for one another to meet each other’s needs is being done because we want to do it for our spouse, not because he/she asked.

It was done because I know it makes him/her happy, and I love seeing them happy.

I felt it was important to mention to her that we are no longer required to do anything for each other. It is now more of a “I want to do these things for each other.”

Ultimately, I felt the conversation was very positive and productive. Many tears were shed, and lots of hugging ensued.

I know this doesn’t mean or guarantee anything. However, this has never happened before, and I can honestly attribute it to the 180 method.

I’ve decided I will conclude and will refrain from this method moving forward as the plan now has changed.

I’m planning to devote myself entirely to not only myself and my growth, but to also work on her needs and wants because I want her to be happy by my side.

She said and agreed she would do the same for herself. We agreed we would help and build each other wherever we request for it.

We agreed that we will be approaching this as a team. As of today, some of the biggest changes I have noticed are her commitment to therapy and mental health.

She is taking some anti-depressants that are helping her. She is also more confident and in a far better mood more frequently.

We have started to explore more ways of intimacy in multiple areas such as physical touch and words of affirmation.